Filthy Critic - 'Alone In The Dark'

The Filthy Critic has a review up for Alone In The Dark, and guess what? He didn't like it - one finger. If you're not familiar with Filthy, his ratings range One Finger for the worst (guess which finger) to five fingers for the best.

Disclaimer: I have not only not seen this movie, I've never even heard of it. I pass along Filthy's review solely for its comedic value, not as a judgment on the movie. I seldom agree with Filthy's ratings, actually, but his write-ups are so funny that I don't care.

Alone in the Dark is so fucking bad I not only asked for my money back, but the money of the only other person in the theater. And they gave it to me. I spent that $14 on 30-case of Busch Light, blacked out at some point, woke up when I fell out of a tree and broke my arm, was taken to an Urgent Care center where they put me in a cast, into which I accidentally vomited (as opposed to the time I purposely vomited into a cast), which made a tremendous stink and a horrible itch I can't scratch. And still, the thing I'm pissed about is Alone in the Dark...

Imagine how many people pass on a script before it gets to Christian Slater, Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff. There is no casting director in the world who shouts into his Motorola 'Get me Slater!' That is, unless they're just emerging from a 15-year coma, and even then they yell 'Get me Lou Diamond Phillips!' first...

It's got to be the acting equivalent of the time I tried doing ventriloquism with a zebra puppet for my entire grade school: something so horrible you awake from your sleep for years shivering and sobbing with regret...

In retrospect, please add one finger to every other review I've ever done, because none deserve as low a rating as this.

There's more where this came from - see for yourself.

Going Postal

Note: The following is the last entry (I promise) being recycled from the long defunct "TIX3" weblog. It was originally posted on Dec. 30, 1999. You'll be happy to know we have since moved, and our house has its own mailbox right on our curb, thank you very much. - Ed.

---

I hate our mailbox.

You might think this a strange thing to hate - I certainly would have thought so, too, but that was before I moved to Texas.

Ah, yes, back in those days, those good old days in Ohio, one's mailbox was hung right on their house, or at least on one's own property. But not in Texas. Here, in the brand new development we just moved to, we have community mailbox clusters. I don't know what they're officially called, actually, but that's what they are: clusters of mailboxes in one big unit, located on the street. Not on the street right in front of your house, on your own property, either; but just somewhere out in the neighborhood, along with dozens of other people's mailboxes.

The reasoning behind this setup isn't tough to grasp. This is the setup that's easiest for the mail-carrier. They don't have to tromp around the whole neighborhood, up and down sidewalks and across lawns, because the mailboxes are centrally located.

Ours is a quarter of a mile away from our house. A quarter mile! That is just wrong, all by itself, without regard to any of the other things I'm fixin' to complain about. We should not have to drive to our mailbox! But the mail-carriers drive anyway, and that's easier for them.

But as I just hinted, it gets worse. The shape of the boxes themselves is all wrong. They're about three inches high, 12 inches wide and 18 inches deep. Given the position of our particular box in the cluster (box number 6 in cluster 750), which is about waist high for me, the narrow height makes it awkward to get the mail out. And it's pretty deep, so I've got to reach all the way back to see if there's anything back there. It's not like regular mailboxes you can buy at the hardware store, where it's easy to reach in and see what's in there. But the mail-carriers aren't taker-outers, they're putter-inners, so that's easier for them.

Furthermore, it's locked. Hey, it's out there in the wild and woolly neighborhood somewhere, not on my porch, so that's probably a good thing. But now when I want my mail, I have to first unlock the little 3 inch by 12 inch door. And the lock has this annoying little cover over the hole, perhaps to keep moisture out and prolong the lock's life in this harsh environment, but serving me no purpose other than making the lock that much more annoying. But the mail-carriers simply unlock one lock in the back of the cluster and they have easy access to all the boxes, so that's easier for them.

Just in case you didn't quite catch the trend, every difference between our Texas mailbox and our Ohio mailbox makes mail delivery easier for the mail-carriers but harder for us. I'm sympathetic to the post office, I really am. They've got a job to do, and they want it as easy, efficient and cost-effective as it can be. But you know what? This sucks. We get mail six days a week, and six days a week this sucks. It doesn't have to.

They could make their jobs easier without introducing that much suckiness into my life. Cluster the mailboxes, but not in clusters of 60, in clusters of 6, and put them closer to the houses they belong to. Make the dimensions a little more taker-outer friendly. Get a lock that's easier, or skip the lock entirely (after all, isn't it a felony to steal mail?).

The whole sordid situation is just an example of a trend that I despise - making things easier for the administrator of a system at the expense of the users of that system. Company IT departments are another good example. "You'll need to run that program off the network. It's much slower that way and it's completely inaccessible when the network is down, but that way we won't have to install it and upgrade it on your machine!" Again, I feel for the poor IT guys, but give me a break here. They have to install once, and maybe upgrade every year or so. I have to run that program every day. I'm the user! I'm more important than you! The whole damn setup is for me!

But hey, I'm not kidding myself about trying to get anything changed. Especially regarding the mailbox - it is administered by the United States Postal Service, after all.

In other words, I'm mad as hell and I'm going to keep on taking it.

Advice For The Gutless

Seen on Empire Notes: Advice for the Democrats. Good, solid advice - hear, hear!

Let me preface it by saying clearly this is an outside view. I'm not a Democrat and I can't stand the Democrats. If this advice is followed, I still won't be a Democrat. This is advice not from a left perspective (mine), but simply from the perspective of the party's survival as a party...

First, your biggest problem is not that you will be labelled "obstructionist" (although you will) but that you will be crushed by a force that doesn't believe there should be any limits to its power. Thus, fighting back even when you're going to lose is important... I imagine that all but a few of you are far too gutless to fight back on the upcoming Iraq appropriations bill or to filibuster Gonzales, but find some things you'll go to the mat on even if you lose...

Second, and most important, don't just play defense. It's important to go out and attack the Republicans. Again, I expect that most of you are too gutless and unprincipled to fight hard on substantive issues... so, you should gun for a prominent Republican personally... maybe Tom Delay? Create a situation where the Republicans have to either openly sanction corruption or acquiesce in the elimination of one of their own. If this works, lather, rinse, repeat...

Your current strategy of curling up in a ball and hoping the Republicans don't kick you just encourages them to kick you.

How Did We Get Here?

End Torture Now

A pretty damn damning little Flash movie. After you watch it, spam your Senator.

See also this week's This Modern World: How Low Can We Go? - The Disturbingly Brief Journey From Unspeakable To Mundane


And last but sure as hell not least, see Bionic Abu Ghraib Man, courtesy of the Get Your War On guy.

Did you spam your Senator like I told you to? And why not?

Onion vol. 41 #4

Wednesday == Onion day.

• Terrifying Sea Monster Turns Out To Be Even More Terrifying Amphibious Monster
  
  
• Infograph, on the Huygens space probe's discoveries on Titan
  
  • Enormous lake of methane dumped there by Pacific Gas and Electric in 1971
    
  • Another probe that got lost on its way to Mars; way to go, Mars probe
  
  
• Breathalyzer Big Hit At Cop Party
  "Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's my turn—gimme that or I'll shoot ya," said a besotted Sgt. Bill Dugan as he pawed at the breathalyzer in Officer Jack Ermi's mouth.
  
  
• The Onion In History, Jan. 30, 1968
  Martin Luther King: 'Perhaps We Shall Not Overcome After All'
  

Grayson The Movie

Grayson The Movie

This is awesome - apparently this guy made this trailer for a movie that doesn't exist - in fact may never exist - just for fun!

In a nutshell, the idea for Grayson has been swimming around in my head for too long - so, with the help of a handful of talented artists, and four credit cards, I set out to shape the idea into a reality.

The objective was simple - tell a new and exciting story about the former boy wonder that leaves audiences wanting more. Did I hit the mark? You be the judge.

John Fiorella
Director, Grayson

He does indeed hit the mark, IMHO - I want to see that movie! And not only because of the hero's cool name - it actually looks at least as good as the average comic book superhero movie.

There Is No Crisis

I'm suffering a cursed animated GIF here, so you know this is serious. Via Bob Harris and Democrappy, among others, allow me agree that There Is No Crisis.

What's This "Crisis" I've Been Hearing About

It's a made up sense of urgency designed to hustle public support for the privatization of social security. It's a deception. There's really no other way to put it, unless your idea of a "crisis" is something that might or might not be a problem that's not very hard to solve in any case, and is fifty years off in the future. Sounds like someone's trying to make a mountain out of a molehill.

- their FAQ

Who else has gone out on this limb? Many, of which I've previously mentioned Ralph Nader ("There is no crisis in Social Security. It's absolutely solvent until 2052, according to the Social Security trustees, who are pretty conservative") and Molly Ivins ("If there is a problem with Social Security, the obvious solution would be to raise taxes, cut benefits or some combination of both").

It's a modern-day fox-and-henhouse story. "Let those poor hens out of that decrepit old henhouse! Let them run around out here in the fresh air! Don't fence them in! They'll get stronger out here! "Free-range," that's it! That's the healthiest, most natural kind!" quoth the fox. Then muttering, drooling, "yes, the best kind, the most delicious kind, indeed..."

By the way, I actually have the nagging feeling that this whole assault on Social Security is a distraction; a feint. Like last week's overly elaborate inauguration festivities - it makes me worry that they're purposefully distracting everyone with these shenanigans faithfully assisted by a complacent media, while behind the scenes somewhere they're accomplishing various unsavory deeds.

Fox News Renamed Badger News

Via Jo Miller, a funny "interview" on Fox "News" from last week's inauguration festivities. See the clip on iFilm; it's only a couple minutes long.

The interviewer seemed to want to have a nice, friendly, content-free chat with Vanity Fair contributing editor Judy Bachrach. The trouble was, Ms. Bachrach wanted to rail against the $40 million extravagence of ten inaugural balls, etc. So how does the interviewer handle this turn? Why, by arguing with her, of course. And lamely, it should be noted. Ms. Bachrach calls insufficiently armored Humvees in a war zone sitting ducks, and the interviewer counters that Bush has already given his "proper respect" to our troops - why, they not only held a special military gala to honor our troops; they even had a prayer service, for heaven's sake! (Pun intended.)

Original credit to oliverwillis.com, but it's apparently being slashdotted and looking at an enormous bandwidth bill because of this, so no link for you.

MS PEWX

Seen in a print ad for Microsoft Office for Mac: the (hideously ugly) logos for the four apps arranged in a brutally honest order. "P" is PowerPoint, "E" is Entourage, "W" is Word and "X" is Excel. (Hint if you're not getting this: pronounce this like the word "pew", but with a plural "k" on the end: "pukes". Well, that was more than a hint, wasn't it? Anyway.) Classic.

Which reminds me of other Microsoft advertising that makes me want to blow chunks: their stomach-turning tagline on NPR. "Your potential inspires us to create software to help you reach it. Your potential. Our Passion." Could somebody give me a break here? As if any for-profit company ever, let alone that giant evil monopoly, was in business because they were inspired by their customers' potential. Excuse me will I barf, er, pewx.

Political Python

On Salon today, a funny and interesting interview with Monty Python's Terry Jones, Python Swallows Bush!. Apparently Mr. Jones has been writing political op-ed pieces for a couple of years now, and they've been put into a new book, Terry Jones' War on the War on Terror. One essay mentioned in the interview is a piece titled, I'm Losing Patience With My Neighbours, Mr. Bush.

For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what...

[The police will] come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!

The whole interview is worth a read, but the another interesting bit is at the end, in which he compares politics of today to those from the era of Chaucer (about which he wrote another book, Who Murdered Chaucer?).

It was the Archbishop of Arundel who was the real mastermind behind this, the Henry Kissinger of his day. He did exactly what is happening now. He put this illegitimate, illegal regime in power and he lied and cheated to get power himself. Then he neutralized the opposition by declaring a war on heresy. A war on heresy suited his purposes because it was open-ended, he could define heresy how he liked. And he defined it as "you're either with us or you're a heretic." If you criticized the church, you were criticizing the king. It was all the same thing. You saw people using the same mechanisms and tools of power in the 14th century that are used in the war on terror today.

A Poet Who Doesn't Even Know It

Via Jo Miller, the true poetic beauty of our President's words. Note that the words quoted are exactly what he said, according to the Washington Post (the fifth paragraph).

Something

I don't know if
you'd call it
a regret,
but
it certainly is

a lesson
that a president
must be mindful
of, that
the words that you sometimes
say --

I speak
plainly

sometimes, but
you've got
to be

mindful
of the consequences
of the words. So

put that down.

I don't know if
you'd call that
a confession,
a regret,
something.

- George W. Bush

Slashdotters Agree: No Competition for the Mini

Somewhat interesting question posed to (and answered by) the Slashdot crowd: is there PC Competition for the Mac mini? The submitter asks,

When my wife asks for the 'cute little Mac', what PC can I buy instead that will take up as little space and do as much for the same price (or less)?

His own research and the consensus of the responses agree: it can't really be done. One response in particular sums it up with aplomb:

"Howzabout you buy a computer instead of hand-carving your own microchips?

People love to talk about how you can build a top-flight desktop computer for $3.25 plus two subway tokens and some kind of weird-ass coin that you dug out of your sofa that's got "Røølï" written on it, but what they curiously omit is the fact that if you took all the time you'd spend gathering parts and assembling them and worked a minimum-wage job at some fast food place instead, you'd earn hundreds of dollars. So the real cost of this "It's Shake-n-Bake, and I helped!" special is, in fact, several times higher than the sum of the price tags on the hundreds of inscrutable parts that went into it.

People who say "I can build that for less" are either not bothering to account for their time or just flat-out lying, because the plain truth of the matter is that if they could, somebody already would have, and you'd be able to just go out to a 7-11 and buy the damn thing for half off with the purchase of a medium or large fountain drink."

And yet another reply gives the guy the marriage counseling smack he deserved in the first place.

My wife asked me for one thing, how can I give her something else entirely and act all pompous like I went out of my way for her? I like sleeping on the couch.

Trailer Trial

Via jwz, this story from CNN: Attorney meets the 'jury pool from hell' while interviewing prospective jurors for a case involving trailer park violence in Tennessee.

Right after jury selection began last week, one man got up and left, announcing, "I'm on morphine and I'm higher than a kite." ...

Another would-be juror said he had had alcohol problems and was arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover officer. "I should have known something was up," he said. "She had all her teeth."

Onion vol. 41 #3

New Onion today!

• Infograph, on the Upcoming Iraqi Election
  
  • Volunteering to car-bomb voters to the polls
  
  
  • Reading the helpful illustrated guides distributed by the League of Remaining Voters


• The Onion In History, Jan. 21, 1981
  "As the leader of the free world," [Reagan said,] "I urge you to believe that my hard-line stance against terrorism was Khomeini's sole motivation to release the hostages, rather than any covert dealings between the Iranian government and my new administration."
  "Please," Reagan added, "do not put two and two together."


• Law Enforcement Officials Call For Creation of Bulletproof Sleeves
  "Police officers use their arms hundreds of times every day," Arons said. "If they didn't have arms, officers would be unable to brandish or discharge firearms, handcuff perpetrators, operate doors, write speeding tickets, or file reports. A policeman's arms and attached appendages are essential."


• Caged Saddam To Be Highlight of Inaugural Ball
  Ball attendees will also be awarded door prizes, including a basket of nuts, 20 yards of cloth, and a barrel of crude oil.

Ribbon Madness

Via This Modern World, ribbons for the rest of us.

Hey Baby, I'm Micro, and I'm Soft, Too

Via email from a friend, two really creepy pictures of Bill Gates, from a 1983 Teen Beat magazine.

It's weird how much 1983 is invading my life today.

• bought an old Echo & The Bunnymen CD for the wife (don't tell her, it's a surprise), "Porcupine", issued in 1983


• also bought Jimi Hendrix's "Electric Ladyland" (don't tell her about this one either, mmmkay?), featuring the song "1983... (A Merman Should I Turn To Be)"


• and of course, now the ghost of BillG past

Free At Last

Once a year may not be often enough to experience one of the greatest speeches in American history, Martin Luther King Jr.'s 1963 "I Have A Dream" speech. Read the transcript while you listen to the audio. (I looked for video footage, but couldn't find much that was any good; just this short clip from Encyclopedia Britannica.)

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check that has come back marked "insufficient funds."

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so we've come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and security of justice. We have also come to his hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

Business Trip To India

Dedicated to all the American computer dudes (and dudettes) who suddenly have low-wage "team-mates" in India, especially those whose company is blowing any cost savings by sending manager after manager halfway around the world to hold those team-mates' (ahem) hands:

I present a blatant, incomplete and entirely amateurish hack of the Dead Kennedys' classic, Holiday In Cambodia. The lines lifted unchanged from the original are in italics; whether that speaks to how well the original song fits my purpose, or just to my own laziness, is left as an exercise for the reader.

(If you have a Jukebox on your company network, the mp3 of the original song might be found under /Dead Kennedys/Give Me Convenience Or Give Me Death/08 Holiday In Cambodia.mp3. ;-)

So you're outsourcin'
For a year or two
And you know you've seen it all
The time has come
Thinkin' you'll go far
Back east your type don't crawl

Write buzzwordy mail
To increase your sales
On your five grand Win PC
Braggin' that you know
How your coders are scared
But Nilesh is almost free!

It's time to taste
What you most fear
Right Guard will not help you here
Brace yourself my dear
Brace yourself my dear...

It's a business trip to India
It's tough, boss, but it's life
It's a business trip to India
Don't forget to leave your wife

You're a star-belly sneech
You suck like a leach
You want everyone to act like you
Kiss ass while you bitch
So you can get rich
But your boss gets richer off you

Well they'll work harder
With a boss on their back
For a fraction what we make
Slave for the man
Till they quit
Then our project's skewered on a stake

Now you can go
Where people are one
Now you can go
Where they get things done
What you need, my son
What you need, my son...

Is a business trip to India
Where dysentery's thick
A business trip to India
Where you've never been so sick!

SHADE REALITY

My New Filing Technique Is Unstoppable, #130.

In SHADE REALITY, all is allowed and nothing is forbidden. The only rule is to follow your passion.

Rumor: iProduct Coming Soon!!

Via jwz, the Next Big Thing from Apple: iProduct. OMG, it really sounds great. I wonder what it'll look like!

You know you'll want it. And you know you'll pay big for it. Steve Jobs could take a dump, put it in an off-white plastic case, add two grey buttons and a small LCD display, and you'd pay $600 for it. Just fucking admit it.

Los Sims (Les Sims, Die Sims...)

Here is a truly brilliant idea. You can read the whole paper if you want (there are good screenshots, at least), but the basic brilliant idea is this: modify The Sims and popular MMORPGs to be bilingual, in order to provide practice using a second language. I've always heard that immersion is the key to really learning a language fluently, and playing The Sims or EverQuest in another language would be pretty immersive. Think how cool it would be for your German homework to include playing your favorite sim for an hour a day.

In playing the English version of the game, I noticed the vocabulary for the tasks contained many of the same words as the German homework I should have been studying instead. Finding that the language of the game could be changed to German simply by switching a single registry setting, I placed a laptop with a translation tool beside my main computer and continued playing the game in German. When the vocabulary items then came up in class, I was already familiar with them and could recall the relevant associated contexts and animations used in the game.

High Ideals, So-Called

Over the holidays, the wife and I watched It's A Wonderful Life, just like we do every year. And we loved it, just like we do every year. If this proves we're hopelessly sentimental fools, as it probably does, then so be it.

But this year, in the gray dawn of Bush's second term, I realized the obvious truth: Mr. Potter is a Republican. The scheming, thieving villain typifies much of the whole Republican philosophy: no welfare, make it on your own, every man for himself, the ends justify the means, etc.

So I don't know which way it goes - whether I love this story of the generous good guy winning out over the greedy bad guy because of my political beliefs, or whether I have those beliefs because of stories like this. But there it is.

Here's the scene we were watching when I realized this. It's right after the death of George Bailey's father, Peter. The board members of the Bailey Building And Loan are discussing what happens next. Potter has just suggested that the institution be dissolved entirely.

POTTER - Peter Bailey was not a business man. That's what killed him. Oh, I don't mean any disrespect to him, God rest his soul. He was a man of high ideals, so-called, but ideals without common sense can ruin this town. (picking up papers from table) Now, you take this loan here to Ernie Bishop... You know, that fellow that sits around all day on his "brains" in his taxi. You know... I happen to know the bank turned down this loan, but he comes here and we're building him a house worth five thousand dollars. Why?

George is at the door of the office, holding his coat and papers, ready to leave.

GEORGE - Well, I handled that, Mr. Potter. You have all the papers there. His salary, insurance. I can personally vouch for his character.

POTTER (sarcastically) - A friend of yours?

GEORGE - Yes, sir.

POTTER - You see, if you shoot pool with some employee here, you can come and borrow money. What does that get us? A discontented, lazy rabble instead of a thrifty working class. And all because a few starry-eyed dreamers like Peter Bailey stir them up and fill their heads with a lot of impossible ideas. Now, I say...

George puts down his coat and comes around to the table, incensed by what Potter is saying about his father.

GEORGE - Just a minute –– just a minute. Now, hold on, Mr. Potter. You're right when you say my father was no business man. I know that. Why he ever started this cheap, penny-ante Building and Loan, I'll never know.

But neither you nor anybody else can say anything against his character, because his whole life was... Why, in the twenty-five years since he and Uncle Billy started this thing, he never once thought of himself. Isn't that right, Uncle Billy? He didn't save enough money to send Harry to school, let alone me.

But he did help a few people get out of your slums, Mr. Potter. And what's wrong with that? Why... here, you're all businessmen here. Doesn't it make them better citizens? Doesn't it make them better customers? You... you said... What'd you say just a minute ago?... They had to wait and save their money before they even ought to think of a decent home. Wait! Wait for what? Until their children grow up and leave them? Until they're so old and broken-down that they... Do you know how long it takes a working man to save five thousand dollars?

Just remember this, Mr. Potter, that this rabble you're talking about... they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? Anyway, my father didn't think so! People were human beings to him, but to you, a warped, frustrated old man, they're cattle. Well, in my book he died a much richer man than you'll ever be!

The Fool Who Built His House On Republicans

On Democrappy, DeLay to Aceh: Drop Deader, aka Asstard of the Week, in which the term "asstard" is defined, including the illustrative example of our House Majority Leader and the extraordinarily poor choices he makes in Bible stories following natural disasters that kill hundreds of thousands of people.

And everyone who listens to these words of mine, but does not act on them, will be like a fool who built his house on sand:

The rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew, and buffeted the house, and it collapsed and was completely ruined.

Breast Mousepad Evar

Via an ad on BoingBoing, the funniest accessory I've seen in a long time, the Busty Mousepad.

This quality mouse pad features a cleavage— uh, CLEVER ergonomic wrist rest on a pair of gel boobs. Your friends will love it and will poke at it when you're not looking. Your girlfriend will probably think you're a pervert.

Onion vol. 41 #1

Newlywed Britney Spears
Hangs Bloody Sheet In
Window For Reporters

Today's Onion is titled, "2004: A LOOK BACK AT THE YEAR’S TOP STORIES". I don't know if these are repeat Onion stories or just new ones about prior events. I sure haven't seen any of them, though.

• What Do You Think?, on A Polarized Nation
  "Our nation will never be healed so long as those redneck rubes in flyover land refuse to listen to reason, and continue to vote for who they want."
  
  
• Bush Vows To Put Man On Moon Before It Disappears At End Of Month (Jan. 14)
  The president went on to propose the construction of a lunar capsule that could land on a concave surface.
  
  
• Threat of Catching Olympic Fever at All-Time Low (June 13)
  According to Scherr, even children under the age of 12, a group once extremely susceptible to the fever, have been largely unaffected in recent years.
  
  
• Bush Unveils New Blind-Faith-Based Initiatives (Sep. 27)
  "My blind-faith initiatives are far-reaching, and like many large issues, they are simple," Bush said. "I call upon all Americans to surrender any doubts they may have about my record."
  
  
• Poll: Americans Feel Safer With Martha Stewart In Jail (Oct. 12)
  "I just couldn't ever feel at ease when I knew she was out there obstructing justice and making false statements to federal officials. Even talking about it gives me the shivers."
  

Old Bastard, Dirty Bastard,
Dirty Old Bastard, Ol’ Dirty Bastard
[not sure who the lower-left guy is: Marlon Brando maybe? - Ed.]

TV-B-Gone

I forget where I first heard of this, but boy is it cool. If I could only stand to carry a big keychain... Anyway, here's a New York Times story, The Television Blaster, and of course the TV-B-Gone site.

The technology he went on to develop is simple: an L.E.D. emits the ''power'' codes for every brand of set, one after the next. It takes 69 seconds to hit them all.