Monday, January 31, 2005

Filthy Critic - 'Alone In The Dark'

The Filthy Critic has a review up for Alone In The Dark, and guess what? He didn't like it - one finger. If you're not familiar with Filthy, his ratings range One Finger for the worst (guess which finger) to five fingers for the best.

Disclaimer: I have not only not seen this movie, I've never even heard of it. I pass along Filthy's review solely for its comedic value, not as a judgment on the movie. I seldom agree with Filthy's ratings, actually, but his write-ups are so funny that I don't care.

Alone in the Dark is so fucking bad I not only asked for my money back, but the money of the only other person in the theater. And they gave it to me. I spent that $14 on 30-case of Busch Light, blacked out at some point, woke up when I fell out of a tree and broke my arm, was taken to an Urgent Care center where they put me in a cast, into which I accidentally vomited (as opposed to the time I purposely vomited into a cast), which made a tremendous stink and a horrible itch I can't scratch. And still, the thing I'm pissed about is Alone in the Dark...

Imagine how many people pass on a script before it gets to Christian Slater, Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff. There is no casting director in the world who shouts into his Motorola 'Get me Slater!' That is, unless they're just emerging from a 15-year coma, and even then they yell 'Get me Lou Diamond Phillips!' first...

It's got to be the acting equivalent of the time I tried doing ventriloquism with a zebra puppet for my entire grade school: something so horrible you awake from your sleep for years shivering and sobbing with regret...

In retrospect, please add one finger to every other review I've ever done, because none deserve as low a rating as this.

There's more where this came from - see for yourself.


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