Onion vol. 41 #3

New Onion today!

• Infograph, on the Upcoming Iraqi Election
  
  • Volunteering to car-bomb voters to the polls
  
  
  • Reading the helpful illustrated guides distributed by the League of Remaining Voters


• The Onion In History, Jan. 21, 1981
  "As the leader of the free world," [Reagan said,] "I urge you to believe that my hard-line stance against terrorism was Khomeini's sole motivation to release the hostages, rather than any covert dealings between the Iranian government and my new administration."
  "Please," Reagan added, "do not put two and two together."


• Law Enforcement Officials Call For Creation of Bulletproof Sleeves
  "Police officers use their arms hundreds of times every day," Arons said. "If they didn't have arms, officers would be unable to brandish or discharge firearms, handcuff perpetrators, operate doors, write speeding tickets, or file reports. A policeman's arms and attached appendages are essential."


• Caged Saddam To Be Highlight of Inaugural Ball
  Ball attendees will also be awarded door prizes, including a basket of nuts, 20 yards of cloth, and a barrel of crude oil.