Onion vol. 41 #1

Newlywed Britney Spears
Hangs Bloody Sheet In
Window For Reporters

Today's Onion is titled, "2004: A LOOK BACK AT THE YEAR’S TOP STORIES". I don't know if these are repeat Onion stories or just new ones about prior events. I sure haven't seen any of them, though.

• What Do You Think?, on A Polarized Nation
  "Our nation will never be healed so long as those redneck rubes in flyover land refuse to listen to reason, and continue to vote for who they want."
  
  
• Bush Vows To Put Man On Moon Before It Disappears At End Of Month (Jan. 14)
  The president went on to propose the construction of a lunar capsule that could land on a concave surface.
  
  
• Threat of Catching Olympic Fever at All-Time Low (June 13)
  According to Scherr, even children under the age of 12, a group once extremely susceptible to the fever, have been largely unaffected in recent years.
  
  
• Bush Unveils New Blind-Faith-Based Initiatives (Sep. 27)
  "My blind-faith initiatives are far-reaching, and like many large issues, they are simple," Bush said. "I call upon all Americans to surrender any doubts they may have about my record."
  
  
• Poll: Americans Feel Safer With Martha Stewart In Jail (Oct. 12)
  "I just couldn't ever feel at ease when I knew she was out there obstructing justice and making false statements to federal officials. Even talking about it gives me the shivers."
  

Old Bastard, Dirty Bastard,
Dirty Old Bastard, Ol’ Dirty Bastard
[not sure who the lower-left guy is: Marlon Brando maybe? - Ed.]