Onion vol. 40 #51

So-so Onion today.

• Weed Delivery Guy Saves Christmas
  "Dudes, it's a no go," Kleist said before delivering the bad news. "Carl totally flaked on us. He left for Michigan already."
  The roommates' faces turned ashen: There would be no Christmas weed.
  
  
• Scientific Journal Releases List of Year's Top 100 Compounds
  "Some people griped because hydrogen-, carbon-, and oxygen-based compounds made up more than 75 percent of the list," said Dr. Timothy Grant, one of 50 top scientists polled for the list. "But the influence these elements have on the chemical world cannot be denied."