RaspBerry Bushes

Via jwz, the story of this year's anti-Oscars, the dishonors given by the Golden Raspberry Award foundation, the Razzies. Looks like a sweep for Halle Berry (for "Catwoman") and George W. Bush (for "Super Dumbassman", I mean, "Fahrenheit 9/11").

According to the official results, Catwoman got:

• WORST PICTURE
  
• WORST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE (Halle Berry)
  
• WORST DIRECTOR (Pitof)
  
• WORST SCREENPLAY
  

And Fahrenheit 9/11 got:

• WORST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE (George W. Bush)
  
• WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR (Donald Rumsfeld)
  
• WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS (Britney Spears)
  
• WORST SCREEN COUPLE (George W. Bush & EITHER Condoleeza Rice OR His Pet Goat)

IMHO, Halle redeems herself entirely for attending the ceremony to accept her Razzie in person, even repeating her Oscar(tm) acceptance speech, including tears.

She thanked everyone involved in "Catwoman," a film she said took her from the top of her profession to the bottom.

"I want to thank Warner Brothers for casting me in this piece of shit," she said as she dragged her agent on stage and warned him "next time read the script first."

More Fun At the Expense of Bush's News Hooker

The Gannon/Guckert story (introduced on this site previously) probably won't cost Dubya & Co. the political capital it ought to - in fact, they'll probably just get away with it scot-free, again - but it does make for some good laughs.

Via Jo Miller, a link to excerpts from a Bill Maher show on the topic, with a little Robin Williams insight at the end (in Quicktime format)

The White House has ties to gay prostitution. I think I know now what Bush meant now when he said he had a MAN-DATE. - Bill Maher

Also via Jo Miller, the Rude Pundit provides some analogies for the scandal

The Gannon/Guckert story is a low hanging curve ball right to the inside for the Christian right, yet they refuse to swing. Gay prostitute in the middle of the Christian President's White House? C'mon, this is like a black man in the South in the 1920s fucking a white woman in the middle of a Klan meeting because the flames of the burning cross are so romantic. It's like a mohel walking into the middle of Hitler rally and saying, "Who wants a circumcision? I'll give you a good price." It's like an Iraqi walking into Abu Ghraib, dropping his pants, and saying, "I know where the weapons are, and I bet you can't beat it out of me."

Last but certainly not least, the Get Your War On guy nails it, too.

Getting Laid With Hula

Interesting open-source anecdote about the recently released mail and calendar server, Hula.

As Nat Friedman described in his launch announcement:

Take a second and check them out. Some of this came out of conversations with Jamie Zawinski, and he deserves credit for focusing us on calendars instead of floating off into, I dunno, voice over IP integration or something.

Sure enough, jwz gives the entertaining and illuminating full story (with Creepy Netscape Ghost Stories as an added bonus).

Nat was in town, and he stopped by to say hi and chat, and he said, "So we've got this big pile of code we're going to release, and we're going to build an open source groupware system! It's going to be awesome!"

And I said, "Jesus Mother of Fuck, what are you thinking! Do not strap the 'Groupware' albatross around your neck! That's what killed Netscape, are you insane?" He looked at me like I'd just kicked his puppy.

...So I said, narrow the focus. Your "use case" should be, there's a 22 year old college student living in the dorms. How will this software get him laid?

P.S. Bonus points for this entry on the Hula FAQ.

I'm a hosting provider (ISP/ASP/etc) and am looking for carrier-grade software for organizations and individual users, which I can centrally control and administer. Is Hula what I'm looking for?

Yes. Thank you for asking.

Onion vol. 41 #8

Gender Guessed Correctly On Second Try

Better late than never: Onion day.

• Bush Determined To Find Warehouse Where Ark Of Covenant Is Stored
  "Sadly, due to bureaucratic rigmarole, this powerful, historic relic was misplaced in a warehouse. Mark my words: We will find that warehouse."
  
  
• What Do You Think?, on COX-2 Inhibitors
  "I hope the invisible hand of capitalism is trained in CPR."
  
  
• The Onion In History, Feb. 21, 1956
  
  • Ronald Reagan Bravely Turns In 78,342 Hollywood Leftists
    
  • Tips On Having A Keen Wing-Ding
    
    1. KEEP FINGERNAILS CLEAN AND WELL-GROOMED AT ALL TIMES.
       
    2. KEEP ANUS TIGHTLY CLENCHED.
       
    3. REMAIN FOUR FEET APART AT ALL TIMES.
       
    4. DO NOT TELL GHOST STORIES.
       
    5. FERRET OUT THE CRIMINAL ELEMENT IN YOUR MIDST.
       
    6. ENJOY A DELICIOUS "HOT-DOG" ROASTED WEENIE.
       
    7. BURN VAST QUANTITIES OF GIRLIE BOOKS.
       
    
    
  
  

No Fraud. Great.

This is from a week or so ago - from Verified Voting, Franklin County Pinpoints Cause of Inflated Bush Numbers (there's a longer article, but it requires an annoying (though free) registration).

The director of the Franklin County elections board says a review showed no fraud or tampering.

Gurnee-based voting machine manufacturer -- Danaher Controls -- has inspected the counting system and concluded the laptop was busy completing another task just as numbers from that precinct were being fed into it.

As a software developer, this comforts me not; in fact it makes me ill. Basing our democracy on the (non-verifiable) results of crappy systems that can't handle the volume is barely, if any, better than out-and-out voting fraud.

New voting systems, whether they're electronic, punch-cards or scrawled in blood on cave walls, should be proven, tested and proven and tested again before they're ever even considered for adoption by a state.

Stonehenge Aotearoa

Via Slashdot, a replica of Stonehenge down under: Stonehenge Aotearoa. I hope this starts enough of a trend that another replica is built a little closer to Texas...

"The original is rather difficult to understand and nowadays one is not even allowed to walk near it so this one is much more hands on."

NameVoyager

Remember when computers were new? When they still had the power to make you say, "wow"? And the Internet, too - remember when everything was so new and neat and cool and "gee-whiz"? It's been a long time since I've seen something that gave me that feeling again, until today. Not that this is especially useful, mind you, but there's something very satisfying and fun about playing with it.

Seeing how common names were over the decades doesn't seem like the kind of information that would lend itself to such a cool little Java applet, but somehow, it works: Baby Name Wizard's NameVoyager.

Onion vol. 41 #7

Onion day, Onion day, Onion day!

• Area Mom Really Gets Her Rocks Off On Being Appreciated
  "For her birthday last month, Nicole and I pitched in and got her a pretty expensive pair of earrings," Daniel said. "We gave them to her after we got home from dinner, because we didn't want Mom busting a nut right in the middle of Outback Steakhouse."
  
  
• What Do You Think?, on Failing Phys-Ed Programs
  "I don't want my kids missing out on all that gym class offers. That's why I give them cruel nicknames, make them shower together, and snap them with wet towels."
  
  
• Infographic on Israeli-Palestinian Cease Fire
  
  • Both sides really have to try this time
    
  • Any violence committed on a weekday must be made up with extra peace on evenings or weekends
    
  
  
• 510 Chuck E. Cheese Tickets Blown In Grape-Soda Induced Frenzy
  The incident marks a backslide for Angrim, who swore that he wouldn't touch "the Grape" again, after last April, when he woke up shoeless in the colored-ball pool, his pinkies stuck in a Chinese finger trap.
  

Serving Elderly Humans

Presented for your consideration: strange beings who say they only want to help... in This Modern World's The Republican Zone

Bush News Hooker

Via This Modern World, a link to the X-rated past of that crazy non-journalist that got in so cozy with the White House press corps. Really, just bizarre: A Man Called Jeff.

So in the end, why does this matter? Why does it matter that Jeff Gannon may have been a gay hooker named James Guckert with a $20,000 defaulted court judgment against him? So he somehow got a job lobbing softball questions to the White House. Big deal. If he was already a prostitute, why not be one in the White House briefing room as well?

For background on this whole story, see Salon's Fake News, Fake Reporter.

Earlier this week, when asked about Gannon's access, White House press secretary Scott McClellan essentially threw up his hands and said he has no control over who is in the press room and whom the president calls on during his rare press conferences. "I don't think it's the role of the press secretary to get into the business of being a media critic or picking and choosing who gets credentials," he told the Washington Post.

"That's like [McClellan] saying, 'I'm chief of staff at a hospital and when a patient dies in surgery and it turns out the guy operating wasn't a doctor ... [it's] not my business to be a medical critic,'" says Ron Suskind, a former Wall Street Journal reporter who has written extensively about the inner workings of the Bush administration.

Filthy On Pooh

Highlights from The Filthy Critic's review of Pooh's Heffalump Movie (which he gives three fingers), written for the same audience as the movie: kids.

For most of its 68 minutes, it has the hazy sweetness of that sliver of Friday twilight when Daddy has come home from work, had a couple of brews and promises you a pony. It's not like later, after you've been put to bed and he's slurring his words, yelling at Mommy, then locks himself in your room, sits on the foot of your bed, crying and shouting that he's going to kill himself while you cower under the sheets and wait for the pop and burnt odor of gunpowder. If your daddy hasn't done that, he will. They all do.

...Kids, you know what happens when you jump to conclusions about others like that? Sometimes you're wrong. And sometimes you're right and strangers do want to eat you. Mostly school teachers. Just be careful is all I'm saying.

...[That you shouldn't be afraid of the unknown] is a great message. It's not necessarily true, though. The unknown should scare you out of your scalps... At your precious ages, you can't even imagine the evil and harm strangers are dreaming up for you. I'd say, if you live to be ten, you're one of the lucky ones. If you're home schooled, you won't make it to seven.

...When the story focuses on [Pooh, Eeyore and Rabbit], you remember what makes Pooh better than the other junk the adults shovel down your throats.

That Liberal Anti-Bush Media, Not

Via Bob Harris, a report from FAIR, The Emperor's New Hump, detailing how the New York Times squashed the story of that weird bulge in Bush's jacket (reported on back in October). How the hell did Bush and his puppeteers just get away with that, scot free? It boggles the mind.

several sources, including a journalist at the Times, have told Extra! that the paper put a good deal of effort into this important story about presidential competence and integrity; they claim that a story was written, edited and scheduled to run on several different days, before senior editors finally axed it at the last minute on Wednesday evening, October 27. A Times journalist, who said that Times staffers were "pretty upset" about the killing of the story, claims the senior editors felt Thursday was "too close" to the election to run such a piece.

Onion vol. 41 #6

Frederick's Of Anchorage
Debuts Crotchless Long
Underwear

It's that day again - Onion day.

• Onion Love Coupons, redeemable for:
  
  • one dinner at restaurant with silverware
    
  • five minutes of open, honest conversation before wall of denial and deception slams back down forever
    
  • one sexual act completed expressly for the purpose of procreating another child of God
  
  
  
• Latest Bin Laden Videotape Wishes America 'A Crappy Valentine's Day'
  "Allah willing, embarrassment and tearful rejection shall rule this day," bin Laden said. "Paper hearts shall be rent and trod upon, and dreams of love delivered stillborn. Body language shall be misinterpreted, crushes unrequited, and sincere expressions of affection mocked. Invitations to dinner will be rejected, just as Americans have rejected Allah, the one true God."
  
  
• Cocksucker Beats Up Motherfucker
  "You want a piece of me?" asked the motherfucker, who minutes later got his goddamn ass handed to him on a plate.
  

I, For One, Welcome Our New Mapping Overlords

Via Slashdot, Google is set to dominate yet another online resource type: maps. Check out Google Maps. Once you search for your address, or town, or whatever, use the arrow buttons on the map to scroll. Or, just click and drag on the map. It updates quickly and smoothly, and without a full page refresh. Wow. Just Wow.

Little Golden Book About Zogg

Via jwz, the funniest thing I've seen online in a long time.

I looked to the children's book rack and there spied the title "My Little Golden Book About God"...

You cannot imagine my horror, however, when my eyes met pages filled with saccharine, pastel artwork depicting cold-eyed androids that were clearly not of our realm. In a Beautiful Mind moment of schizophrenic clarity I saw the book for what it was: not a gentle introduction to life's most profound curiosity, but a primer for the parasitic offspring of an invisible invasion!

For the safety of our race (if any still remain) I have translated this book in the hopes that a resistance may arise. Read the baby powder scented Final Solution of our enemies from beyond, otherwise known as: The Cuddly Menace.

Daily Haiku #167

Just remembered this pretty funny site from before the election: DailyHaiku.com. Apparently they're still at it - illuminating wire photos with hilarious editorial haikus, such as this one of the First Lady.

Credit Card Prank

Via Jo Miller, fun with signatures in The Credit Card Prank.

Credit card signatures are a useless mechanism designed to make you feel safe, like airport security checks. So my question was, how crazy would I have to make my signature before someone would actually notice?

FFYIATWS

A friend and I coined a new phrase the other day, and I hereby release it to the world: "five fuck-yous in a ten word sentence". I'll wait while you think about that for a second (hint: count the words). The intent is to express an extremely negative response, e.g.,

Did you ask Sandra if we could have her ticket?

Yeah, she gave me five fuck-yous in a ten word sentence.

or,

I quit my job yesterday; I gave those bastards five fuck-yous in a ten word sentence.

Update: With further refinement, the acronym is much more elegant. Actually I didn't mean FFYIATWS to be an acronym, more of a I-hope-this-is-a-clever-title kind of thing. But in user testing, the handy, easy to type and visually appealing "FUFUFUFUFU." has been discovered (note the period, to indicate a full sentence).

In fact, the breakthrough is really "FU". Now this can be combined with other handy business and online shortcuts. The possibilities are limitless! Okay, not limitless, but there are a lot.

BTWFU
FYIFU
OTOHFU
etc.

State of the Union Lowlights

No, I didn't watch (neither did you; admit it, it's okay), but some people did. Democrappy, for example, has a pretty detailed rundown in A Drama In Five Acts.

And I read about this seemingly out-of-place line, and a hint about why it's in the right place (pun intended) after all, in a Slashdot discussion, of all places.

[Bush:] ...Justice is distorted, and our economy is held back, by irresponsible class actions and frivolous asbestos claims -- and I urge Congress to pass legal reforms this year.

...Whaa? Now, let's see, why does Bush consider hindering asbestos lawsuits important? Let's make this one multiple choice:

Why is Bush against asbestos lawsuits?
A. Most small businesses use asbestos in their daily operations.
B. The victims knew the danger and purposefully breathed in asbestos dust anyways.
C. Halliburton paid $4.2 billion to settle such a lawsuit in 1998.
D. Asbestos is a good source of vitamin E.

I think you can guess which is the right answer.

But if you really want the bottom line, and you want it fast, go straight to the Rude Pundit, who sums up the message as, The State of the Union Is "Suck It, Fuckers" (link also via Democrappy).

And the Rude Pundit is sick of hearing how "bold" is every fucking thing Bush proposes. If George Bush took a shit in front of the Lincoln Memorial, Orrin Hatch would appear on Fox "News" to declare how bold a shit it was and how mighty a loaf was pinched out and how are the Democrats going to deal with a President who is unafraid to take a dump with a stone Lincoln staring at him. It is not "bold" to target gays for isolation and denigration in the Constitution; it is not "bold" to cut domestic programs that mainly help those in poverty so that massive tax cuts can be made "permanent;" it is not "bold" to say that you want to create a Social Security system that no longer guarantees a retirement benefit for seniors and that cuts benefits to others; it is not "bold" to hinder scientific developments under the veil of "protecting life;" it is not "bold" to declare that that we should make sure that people on death row are actually guilty; it is not "bold" to imply that you will use military force to impose your political will on other nations. If this is what passes for "bold" in this America, then, indeed, cowards should hold their heads high and declare that their pusillanimity is actually "bold" retreat.

Fun With the State of the Union

Not one, but two entertaining links for you today, State of the Union day.

The Center For American Progress presents a Look Back at Bush's 2002, 2003 and 2004 speeches. Not a good record.

CLAIM: "America is committed to keep dangerous weapons from dangerous regimes."

STATUS: Under Bush's watch, North Korea's nuclear arsenal is thought to have quadrupled. Charles Pritchard, formerly Colin Powell's top official dealing with North Korea, has warned for months that "the White House lacks an effective strategy to dissuade North Korea from building up its nuclear arms." And, according to Pritchard, the situation has deteriorated because "the administration has neither offered much of a carrot nor wielded a stick." [New York Times, 5/7/04]

Or if all those facts and quotes are a bit much for you, or if they just depress the living hell out of you, you can always play along with the State of the Union Drinking Game. I'm thinking there will be way too much alcohol consumed for anyone to last long under these rules, though.

Every time he says...

"The state of our union is strong..." - drink 1
"mandate" - drink 1
"terror" (however it’s pronounced) - drink 1
"Bring it on" - Arm-wrestle the person next to you; loser drinks
"Don't mess with Texas!" - Locate the nearest Texan; mess with him/her; then drink