Onion vol. 41 #7

Onion day, Onion day, Onion day!

• Area Mom Really Gets Her Rocks Off On Being Appreciated
  "For her birthday last month, Nicole and I pitched in and got her a pretty expensive pair of earrings," Daniel said. "We gave them to her after we got home from dinner, because we didn't want Mom busting a nut right in the middle of Outback Steakhouse."
  
  
• What Do You Think?, on Failing Phys-Ed Programs
  "I don't want my kids missing out on all that gym class offers. That's why I give them cruel nicknames, make them shower together, and snap them with wet towels."
  
  
• Infographic on Israeli-Palestinian Cease Fire
  
  • Both sides really have to try this time
    
  • Any violence committed on a weekday must be made up with extra peace on evenings or weekends
    
  
  
• 510 Chuck E. Cheese Tickets Blown In Grape-Soda Induced Frenzy
  The incident marks a backslide for Angrim, who swore that he wouldn't touch "the Grape" again, after last April, when he woke up shoeless in the colored-ball pool, his pinkies stuck in a Chinese finger trap.