Filthy On Pooh

Highlights from The Filthy Critic's review of Pooh's Heffalump Movie (which he gives three fingers), written for the same audience as the movie: kids.

For most of its 68 minutes, it has the hazy sweetness of that sliver of Friday twilight when Daddy has come home from work, had a couple of brews and promises you a pony. It's not like later, after you've been put to bed and he's slurring his words, yelling at Mommy, then locks himself in your room, sits on the foot of your bed, crying and shouting that he's going to kill himself while you cower under the sheets and wait for the pop and burnt odor of gunpowder. If your daddy hasn't done that, he will. They all do.

...Kids, you know what happens when you jump to conclusions about others like that? Sometimes you're wrong. And sometimes you're right and strangers do want to eat you. Mostly school teachers. Just be careful is all I'm saying.

...[That you shouldn't be afraid of the unknown] is a great message. It's not necessarily true, though. The unknown should scare you out of your scalps... At your precious ages, you can't even imagine the evil and harm strangers are dreaming up for you. I'd say, if you live to be ten, you're one of the lucky ones. If you're home schooled, you won't make it to seven.

...When the story focuses on [Pooh, Eeyore and Rabbit], you remember what makes Pooh better than the other junk the adults shovel down your throats.