Onion vol. 41 #6

Frederick's Of Anchorage
Debuts Crotchless Long
Underwear

It's that day again - Onion day.

• Onion Love Coupons, redeemable for:
  
  • one dinner at restaurant with silverware
    
  • five minutes of open, honest conversation before wall of denial and deception slams back down forever
    
  • one sexual act completed expressly for the purpose of procreating another child of God
  
  
  
• Latest Bin Laden Videotape Wishes America 'A Crappy Valentine's Day'
  "Allah willing, embarrassment and tearful rejection shall rule this day," bin Laden said. "Paper hearts shall be rent and trod upon, and dreams of love delivered stillborn. Body language shall be misinterpreted, crushes unrequited, and sincere expressions of affection mocked. Invitations to dinner will be rejected, just as Americans have rejected Allah, the one true God."
  
  
• Cocksucker Beats Up Motherfucker
  "You want a piece of me?" asked the motherfucker, who minutes later got his goddamn ass handed to him on a plate.