Onion vol. 41 #8

Gender Guessed Correctly On Second Try

Better late than never: Onion day.

• Bush Determined To Find Warehouse Where Ark Of Covenant Is Stored
  "Sadly, due to bureaucratic rigmarole, this powerful, historic relic was misplaced in a warehouse. Mark my words: We will find that warehouse."
  
  
• What Do You Think?, on COX-2 Inhibitors
  "I hope the invisible hand of capitalism is trained in CPR."
  
  
• The Onion In History, Feb. 21, 1956
  
  • Ronald Reagan Bravely Turns In 78,342 Hollywood Leftists
    
  • Tips On Having A Keen Wing-Ding
    
    1. KEEP FINGERNAILS CLEAN AND WELL-GROOMED AT ALL TIMES.
       
    2. KEEP ANUS TIGHTLY CLENCHED.
       
    3. REMAIN FOUR FEET APART AT ALL TIMES.
       
    4. DO NOT TELL GHOST STORIES.
       
    5. FERRET OUT THE CRIMINAL ELEMENT IN YOUR MIDST.
       
    6. ENJOY A DELICIOUS "HOT-DOG" ROASTED WEENIE.
       
    7. BURN VAST QUANTITIES OF GIRLIE BOOKS.