Onion Vol. 41 #35

Christian Science
Pharmacist Refuses To
Fill Any Prescription

A new Onion, sporting a new look.

• American Voices - [renamed from "What do you think?" and apparently now a daily feature]
  
  • on Pat Robertson's Remarks - "This recalls a moral and ethical dilemma theologians have grappled with for millennia, namely: Is it right to murder people?"
    
  • on U.S.-North Korea Relations - "We should say we have a magic flying house, and then when they say, 'Yeah, we do too,' we'll say, 'Gotcha! There's no such thing!' and they'll look like morons to the international community."
  
  
  
• Google Announces Plan To Destroy All Information It Can't Index
  "We believe that Google Desktop Search is the best way to unlock the information hidden on your hard drive," Schmidt said. "If you haven't given it a try, now's the time. In one week, the deleting begins."
  
  
• Bush: Vacation Ruined By 'Stupid Dead Soldier'
  "This is a terrible tragedy," Bush said. "If this dead soldier of a son had the ounce of sense he needed to keep his worthless ass alive, my last few weeks might have been peaceful. I mourn the loss of the beautiful August mornings, and the sweet afternoons that could have been spent on the porch swing listening to the songbirds. All Americans mourn this loss."