Onion Vol. 41 #34

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• Dave Matthews Not That Into Himself Anymore
  "Me and my band are still okay, but I feel like I've grown out of us," Matthews said. "Back when I was in the college charts, we were about all I listened to, but I guess I'm at the point in my life where my music just doesn't speak to me."
  
  
• U.S. Blowjobless Rate At All-Time High
  "Cutbacks in oral services have left 55 million Americans unsatisfied," Chao said. "Although June saw a promising jump in the age 15-19 demographic, with many teenagers finding summer blowjobs, almost 82 percent of married men are completely blowjobless."
  
  
• German Luftwaffle Chain Offers Waffles, Overwhelming Air Superiority
  "Soon, customers will fall under the sway of my lightning-quick, piping-hot Blintzkreig," said Hans Kreuzen, Luftwaffle's founder and oberstmanager-general. "All will know the sweet, buttery taste of fear and waffles from above."
  
  
• What Do You Think?, on the Gaza Pullout
  "Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, just tell me if it's good or bad this is happening, because I'm too goddamned confused by the last 30 years of Middle East history."