Onion Vol. 41 #31

A nice big slice of Onion today.

• White House Denies Existence Of Karl Rove
  "This is a very clever fiction concocted by those on the other side of the aisle," Vice President Dick Cheney said. "It's preposterous at its core."
  
  ..."There is no such organization as the CIA," McClellan said. "This is tinfoil-hat stuff."
  
  
• Report: Our High Schools May Not Adequately Prepare Dropouts For Unemployment
  "Our public high schools place too much focus on preparing kids for professional careers," Chao said. "This waste of resources leaves our dropouts, the majority of whom have no chance of ever finding a job, wholly unprepared to sleep till 1 p.m., or watch daytime television while eating ramen noodles out of an upturned Frisbee."
  
  
• Bush Acquired By Martian Zoo
  "He shall have his Oval Office, his baseball, and simulated humans from his natural habitat, and we shall watch him most closely, for he is adorable sitting at his desk."
  
  
• Fundamentalist Aesopians Interpret Fox-Grapes Parable Literally (From The Vault, 7/99)
  "The Holy Writ of Aesop makes it plain that the fox, in his anger at the unreachable grapes, cursed the offending fruit and made all grapes sour forever," Bray said. "It is common sense—and a core belief of the Church Of Aesop—that this is a directive from Aesop Himself against grape consumption. Grapes are plainly exposed as a foul, sour-tasting fruit which dirties both body and soul, and this is a strict tenet of our dietary code."