Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Onion Vol. 41 #30

Cat General
War On String May Be
Unwinnable, Says Cat

Onion day!

  • Supreme Court Justices Devour Sandra Day O'Connor In Ancient Ritual
    If the ritual was performed in accordance with the court scrolls, O'Connor's body was then laid upon a traditional brass bier and borne up a five-story marble staircase to a consecrated inner sanctum, where clerks skewered the raw meat on wooden spits. Late into the evening, the Supreme Court justices feasted on the renowned federalist by torchlight.

  • Study: 72 Percent of High-Fives Unwarranted
    Specialists at the National Exuberance Institute said Monday that more than three quarters of national high-five slap exchanges are unnecessary. "Abuse and inappropriate implementation of the gesture is epidemic," said NEI president Avi Gupta.

  • Chocolate Pudding Up $2 A Barrel
    The price per barrel of dark sweet chocolate pudding jumped to over $60 Monday as global anxiety continued to drive demand for the delicious after-meal treat.


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