Onion Vol. 41 #30

War On String May Be
Unwinnable, Says Cat
General

Onion day!

• Supreme Court Justices Devour Sandra Day O'Connor In Ancient Ritual
  If the ritual was performed in accordance with the court scrolls, O'Connor's body was then laid upon a traditional brass bier and borne up a five-story marble staircase to a consecrated inner sanctum, where clerks skewered the raw meat on wooden spits. Late into the evening, the Supreme Court justices feasted on the renowned federalist by torchlight.
  
  
• Study: 72 Percent of High-Fives Unwarranted
  Specialists at the National Exuberance Institute said Monday that more than three quarters of national high-five slap exchanges are unnecessary. "Abuse and inappropriate implementation of the gesture is epidemic," said NEI president Avi Gupta.
  
  
• Chocolate Pudding Up $2 A Barrel
  The price per barrel of dark sweet chocolate pudding jumped to over $60 Monday as global anxiety continued to drive demand for the delicious after-meal treat.