Onion vol. 41 #28

Water Pistol Fired Using
Sideways Gangsta Grip

Leftover Onion again this week.

• Nation's Shirtless, Shoeless March On Washington For Equal-Service Rights
  "I'm hardly surprised [Sen. Craig] ascribes to the repugnant and prejudicial notion that we have 'chosen' to be this way," Hutchins said. "Well, I've got news for you, senator: This is the way I am. I was born not wearing a shirt."
  
  
• Sun Safety Tips
  
  • Always sit at least 100 yards from sun.
    
  • UV rays can damage the corneas; don't forget to rub a good sunscreen into your eyes.
    
  • Before going outside, check sun's strength by placing test baby in driveway for 1/2 hour.
  
  
  
• Shape Magazine Declares July 'Let Yourself Go' Month
  Features in the issue include "Girth Equals Mirth: Six Sure-Fire Techniques For Broadening That Belly," "Wrinkles: The More You Have, The More You've Lived," and "Reduce Unwanted Stress By Not Giving A Fuck."
  
  
• Lone Man With Six-Pack 'Partying'
  Schlatter, well-known for throwing extremely intimate affairs on weekends, is reportedly considering a whiskey purchase, which would enable him to elevate his partying status to "hearty."