Onion vol. 41 #27

This week's Onion is a rerun, but has some gems.

• Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil's Minor Works
  Bush then recited a selection from The Bucolics in the original Latin, pausing occasionally to translate into French out of respect for his friend Amélie du Maurier, a young Parisian concert violinist in attendance. Earlier in the evening, a blushing du Maurier admitted to Bush that she did not know Latin. Bush eased the young woman's embarrassment with a joke.
  
  "I wouldn't be surprised if your father forbade you from learning Latin, out of sheer distaste for res publica," said Bush, alluding to du Maurier's ancestors' place in the ousted French aristocracy.
  
  
• Customer's Attempt To Complain To Manager Thwarted By Employee
  "Normally, I wouldn't care if somebody bitches me out to the boss," Wheaton said, "but after skipping work twice last week, I was an ass hair from getting canned."
  
  
• What Do You Think? on The Social Security Time Bomb
  "Everybody relax. We'll be fine as soon as we get our money back from Iraq."
  
  
• Lawn-And-Garden Tips
  
  • Gang members will often pour malt liquor onto the ground in memory of their dead homies, resulting in soil damage. Shoo gang members away from your front yard.
    
  • If your lawn doesn't look as green as it could, warn Manuel that you could fire him and hire another one just like him in a second.
    
  • Planting vegetables is a great money-saver. Over the course of a summer, you could shave $75 off your grocery bill with just a few hundred hours of work.