Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Traig & McGrath, Shut-In Detectives

These are old, dating from 2001, but I just found them today, and they are excellent: Traig & McGrath, Shut-In Detectives.
Jenny Traig and Peter McGrath, cousins, left their jobs to become self-declared shut-ins. They quickly discovered that even the shut-in's life is full of many small mysteries. Inspired by the great tradition of housebound detectives, they resolved to become investigators themselves. The following are cases from their files.

#7: The Case of the Overlong Bathroom Tenure
After much deliberation, the sleuths agreed they would never know what happened without a close, on-site investigation of the lavatory itself. They then agreed ignorance wasn't such a bad thing. Although it seemed likely that Mr. E--- had committed some atrocities during his tenure in that room, the nature of these would remain a mystery.

#11: The Case of the Mislaid Chalice
Peter wanted to solve the mystery through mystical divination, using a magical powder he'd procured from an undisclosed source.

"It looks like the seasoning packet from a packet of ramen," Angela remarked.

"I'm afraid you're mistaken," Peter replied.

"I'm going to be pissed if I go to make ramen and find you've swiped the flavoring."

"Very well. It is ramen seasoning. But the purpose to which I propose to put this packet is more important than mere flavoring. This powder, which contains substantial amounts of the chemical monosodium glutamate, is the key to unlocking our third investigator... my subconscious!"

#22: The Case of the Lonely Detectives OR Why Doesn't Anyone Ask Us Out?
Well, then, perhaps astrology was to blame. Peter disagreed. "We're different signs. We can't be under the same bad star. But maybe the problem is bad feng shui." Jenny dissented. "That can't be, either, because feng shui is a load of crap."

#36: The Case of the Offensive Odor; or, You Can't Feed That to a Kitty
"You know what it might have been?" Jenny suddenly interjected. "This morning, when I couldn't find his food, I fed him some old corn chowder instead. Because it was chunky and smelled fishy, like everything else he eats."

The feline deposited confirming clues in his box the next day. The corn chowder, and Jenny's poor judgment, were, in fact, to blame. "What were you thinking, indeed," Peter said. The evidence was overpowering, but the Shut-Ins agreed to pretend they didn't notice it until their roommate Angela returned home from work and cleaned the box out herself.


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