Onion Vol. 41 #33

Bush Does 360 On
Abortion Stance

The Onion is back in season.

• What Do You Think? on the Jackson Jurors
  "If these jurors make a lot of money, the jury for the next Jackson molestation trial will be filled with opportunists."
  
  
• Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory
  "Traditional scientists admit that they cannot explain how gravitation is supposed to work," Carson said. "What the gravity-agenda scientists need to realize is that 'gravity waves' and 'gravitons' are just secular words for 'God can do whatever He wants.'"
  
  
• County Fair Judges Blown Away By Heifer
  "My fellow judges and I agree that we are unworthy of assaying such transcendent cowflesh. Our paltry ribbons and trinkets make meager tribute to this demigoddess, who should assume her place beside mighty Taurus in the heavens."
  
  
• New Pepsi Negative-220 Burns Twice The Calories It Contains
  "You'll love PN-220 for the super-slimming rush of thyrotropin, PC1 enzymes, and that zesty hint of lemony leptin that zaps away fat, muscle tissue, and some nerve sheathing," PepsiCo spokesperson Ned Caen said. "But you'll drink it for that refreshing cola taste."