Onion Vol. 41 #36

Belatedly, this week's Onion.

But first, in all seriousness, The Onion is matching $100,000 in donations to the Red Cross. Give through them and double your money!

• Disaster In The Delta Report: God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again
  
  • Louisiana National Guard Offers Help By Phone From Iraq
    The Guardsmen also "would love to send generators, rations, and Black Hawk helicopters for rescue missions," but, said Schneider, "we desperately need these in Iraq to stay alive."
    
  • Government Relief Workers Mosey In To Help
    "Well, I do declare, it's my job to see if any of these poor folks need any old thing," Brown said from his command rocker on the command post porch, adding, "Mighty hot day, ain't it?"
    
  • Refugees Moved From Sewage-Contaminated Superdome To Hellhole Of Houston
    Authorities apologized for transporting survivors to a city "barely better in any respect," but said the blistering-hot, oil-soaked Texas city was in fact slightly better, and that casualties due to gunfire would be no worse.
    
  
  
• I'm A Cloud Factory! by A Smokestack
  I have other friends, too. Like the little birds. I love to watch them swoop and soar. They are so beautiful and graceful, and they bring me great joy. I'm so full of joy! I can barely hold it in! So I give them something beautiful back. Just as they approach, I pop out a great big pink cloud!
  
  And when the birds fly straight into the cloud, they do a "rain dance" down... down... down... to the ground. Like a hundred little feathered raindrops!
  
  Come back soon, birds!
  
  
• The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is The Chupacabra
  People of Mexico, our cities have fallen under siege by thieves and murderers, but we stand together against lawlessness. The criminals and the gangs will not win! The Chupacabra, on the other hand, might. For, although hardened criminals cannot hop over trees to attack their prey, rumor has it the Chupacabra can.