Onion Vol. 41 #37

World's Fattest Town
Makes, Consumes World's
Largest Mozzarella Stick

Onion day!

• Bush Nominates First-Trimester Fetus To Supreme Court
  "Already, this experienced and capable embryo has demonstrated during his or her in utero existence a deep commitment to the core principles of the Constitution," Bush said. "It is with great pride that I nominate this unborn American patriot to the highest court in the land."
  
  
• Halliburton Gets Contract To Pry Gold Fillings From New Orleans Corpses' Teeth
  "The gold we recover from the human rubble of Katrina can be used to make fighter-jet electronics, supercomputer chips, inflation-proof A-grade investments, and luxury yachting watches."
  
  
• Infographic on the Slumping Box Office
  
  • Increasing ticket prices to make moviegoing seem more sophisticated
    
  • Creating knockoffs of only the absolute biggest blockbusters
    
  • Fixing Robert Ebert's thumb in permanent "up" position
  
  
• Elf Finger Found In Box Of Keebler Cookies
  Riverside County police are investigating the grisly incident, obtaining warrants to access workelves' compensation records and interviewing employees in hopes of locating the finger's owner.