Onion Vol. 42 #25

Decent Onion this week.

• Report: U.S. May Have Been Abused During Formative Years
  

  "In its adulthood, the U.S. displays all the classic tendencies of a nation that was repeatedly mistreated in its infancy—difficulty forming lasting foreign relationships, viewing everyone as a potential enemy, and employing a pattern of assault and intimidation to assert its power," said Dr. Howard Drexel, the report's lead author. "Because of trust issues stemming from the abuse, America has become withdrawn, has not made an ally in years, and often resents the few nations that are willing to lend support—most countries outgrow this kind of behavior after 230 years."

  
  
  
• Devastated By U.S. World Cup Team's First-Round Loss, Nation Grinds To Halt
  

  "I take full responsibility for losing the game," said Claudio Reyna, whose shot off the crossbar of the Czech goal as the U.S. trailed 1-0 in the opening half of play has been shown to coincide with a significant bump in the suicide rate, a momentary increase in reports of domestic violence, and a $0.45 increase in the per-gallon price of gasoline. "But we still have games to play in this opening round. I realize that the United States, more than any other country, loves this game. But that is no reason for so many people to cancel their weddings."

  
  
  
• What Do You Think?: Gates To Leave Microsoft
  

  "Now maybe he can finally buy one of those new black Dual-Core MacBooks without everyone crawling up his ass."