Onion Vol. 42 #18

Today's Onion; not bad.

• Illegal Immigrants Returning To Mexico For American Jobs
  "It was a nightmare," Jimenez said. "Many became disoriented and panicked, and some were mixed in with immigrants going the other way across the Rio Grande and ended up swimming to the wrong country."
  
  He added: "My cousin almost drowned. They fished him out and sent him back to wash dishes at T.G.I. Friday's."
  
  
• Hussein Court Shocked By Ironclad Alibi
  Iraqi Special Tribunal Judge Rauf Rashid Abd al-Rahman said the state "has no case" against Hussein after viewing security-camera footage of the 69-year-old buying cigarettes and candy at a St. Louis-area 7-Eleven.
  
  
• Comic-Book Superrman Impervious To Copyediting
  "Thrill to the exploits of Superrman, the only child of a doomed plant! Gasp in awe at his Superr-Strength, X-Roy Vision, and his ability to leap mall buildings in a single bounce!" read a press release issued by DCC.