Onion Issue 42.17

Amazon 1-Click
Bankrupts Area
Parkinson's Sufferer

A decent Onion this week:

• EPA Didn't Know Anybody Was Still Drinking Water
  "if there really are people out there still drinking tap water, all I can say is you're better off not knowing what's in there." Johnson added that official EPA policy is that Americans should stick to sports drinks.
  
  
• Search For Wallet Self-Narrated
  "Did I leave it in [coworker Nelson] Duffy's building?" he inquired, opening and closing the refrigerator door. "Because if I did, I can kiss the cash in it good-bye. Then again, that one time I dropped it on the street, I told myself the same thing, and I got every penny back," he continued, providing relevant background and context to no one but himself.
  
  
• Infographic: Other Enron Scams
  
  • Betting heavily on Cincinnati Reds games, but disguising it as natural-gas commodities purchase
    
  • Tricking IRS into thinking Enron building was haunted
    
  • Repeatedly selling Houston Bridge to gullible tourists
    
  • Trademarking phrase "Motherfucking Enron Bastards" and collecting dime every time it is used
    
  
  
  
• Last but not least, a sweet and thoughtful gift for that special someone in your life: The Onion mug