Onion Vol. 41 #39

Onion day!

• Bush's Approval Rating Of Other Americans Also At All-Time Low
  While Bush finds that 40 percent of Americans are "on the right track," he said he believes only 30 percent will do a good job supporting him in the event of another disaster or terrorist attack.
  
  
• Women Have To Stop Starving Themselves Past The Point Of Hotness
  While there are many ways to get hot, one of the simplest, fastest, and most effective is through self-starvation. However, anorexia, like all things, is best used in moderation. For example, you should never get so thin that you lose your tits.
  
  
• There's No Problem I Can Handle
  When life gives me lemons, I wish desperately for lemonade. But as I lack the sugar and ice necessary to make it, the lemons instead rot away in the drawer of the refrigerator until several months later, when I eventually throw them away.