Onion vol. 41 #11

Bush Followed Everywhere
By Line Of Baby Ducks

Don't hate me for skipping last week's issue - here's a venti triple-shot serving of steaming Oniony goodness to make up for it.

• Gym Membership Doomed From Day One
  "Just getting in here and signing up is enough for today. I think I'll reward myself with a smoothie."
  
  
• Irish Heritage Timeline
  
  • 432 - St. Patrick arrives in Ireland, offering 25-cent chicken wings and 2-for-1 taps all night long
    
  • 1487 - In a decision still regretted today, Irish let a few British friends stay in Belfast
    
  • 1849 - In the wake of famine, millions of Irish arrive in the New World, seeking more of the precious potatoes they can't seem to live without
    
  • 1994 - A leader known only as Roth takes over the Irish Republican Army, transforming it from a terrorist organization into a tax-deferred retirement savings plan
  
  
  
• What Do You Think?, On Tougher Bankruptcy Laws
  "If this doesn't teach Americans not to have medical emergencies or get laid off, I don't know what will."
  
  
• Infographic on Wi-Fi Access
  
  • Brings Internet to the needy laptop-toting underclass
    
  • Mitigates frightening "I'm out-of-doors" feeling
    
  • Facilitates blogging while/about doing laundry