Onion vol. 41 #9

Sucker Next Door Paying
For Wireless Internet Service

C'est l'Onion.

• Area Dog Will Never Live Up To Dog On Purina Bag
  "Aw Jeez, look at him go," Buster said. "I can't even shamble up the stairs without tripping. That dog looks so confident and intelligent. Meanwhile, I still fall for the old fake stick toss half the time."
  
  
• Infographic: New Bush Science Policies
  
  • The Make Coal Look Cleaner project of 2002
    
  • $44 billion to NASA to put a Christian on Mars by 2035
    
  • Ongoing financial and policy support of Industrial Pioneers For A Nice Warm Globe
  
  
• Onion In History, February 26, 1913
  
  • Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria Boasts: "No Man Can Stop Me"
    
  • Does America Suffer From A "Zeppelin Gap"?
    
  • Henry Ford's New "Assembly Line" Frees Workers to Contemplate Meaningless Void of Existence