Onion vol. 41 #16

Presenting: this week's Onion.

• Fifth-Grade Science Paper Doesn't Stand Up To Peer Review
  "He didn't even say how they survive," Glass said. "He was just like, 'Otters are about one to 1.2 meters long. Otters' whiskers are about three inches long.'"
  
  "I know!" Swain said. "It's like, 'Hey Mike, how do sea otters survive?' 'Dur. I'm Mike. Sea otters survive by being one meter long.'"
  
  
• New Tech-Support Cast Arises In India
  "While we rank below members of the reigning order, those of us responsible for helping Americans track their online purchases and change their account PINs share many privileges not enjoyed by the merchant class below us."
  
  
• The News In Photos: A Pope Remembered
  
  • God Ain't Said Shit To Me
    
  • Pope Calls For Greater Understanding Between Catholics, Hellbound
    
  • Vatican Rescinds 'Blessed' Status Of World's Meek: "Screw The Meek," Says Pope
  
  
• The Onion In History, April 19, 1981
  Texas Instruments Continues Domination of Personal Computing Field