Onion vol. 41 #14

Cheney Offspring Bursts
From Bush's Chest

This week's Onion.

• What Do You Think?; Many Cancer Deaths Preventable
  "My dad smoked like a chimney, ate only steaks, and drank bourbon every day, and he lived to be 54. Keep in mind, this was back in the '70s, when that was considered quite old."
  
  
• U.S. High School Gets Raw End Of Student Exchange
  "I swear, [Uwe] never smiles," List said. "He's gross. He's skinny and pimply, and his skin's yellow in places. He's wears the same maroon, button-up shirt every day and it totally smells like B.O. I don't know how his host family deals. I would puke."
  
  
• Actual Urgent Message From Robert Redford Goes Unheeded
  "MICHAEL, I'm asking for your help to stop the robbery and possible destruction of one of America's most treasured human resources—actor Robert Redford," read the message typed on NRDC letterhead. "At this very moment, two or more men are holding me captive within my office in order to further their profit-motivated agenda to strip my home of its valuable assets and leave me with nothing—perhaps not even my life."
  
  
• The Onion In History, April 7, 1948
  Antlike Conformity Now Affordable
  Row upon Row of Identical Box-Like Homes Replace Ugly Long Island Prairie