Onion vol. 40 #47

Pabst Still Coasting On 1893 Blue Ribbon Win

For your chuckle chuckle, ha ha pleasure, this week's Onion.

• White House Thanksgiving Turkey Detained Without Counsel
  "Cousin Wattle's conduct prior to the pardoning ceremony prompted Justice Department officials to authorize the bird's detention as an enemy combatant," McClellan said. "He exhibited hostile, potentially seditious behavior that could endanger the safety of the president or other government officials."
  
  "This is an outrage," lawyer Jeffrey Alexander said. "The pervasive anti-turkey sentiment in this country is the only reason this shocking deprivation of basic freedoms is allowed to continue. If a Labrador retriever were being treated this way, the outcry would be deafening."
  
  
• What Do You Think?, on the Kmart-Sears Merger
  "As a major purchaser of lawn shit, I'm as happy as I let myself get."
  
  
• Infograph, on the Cabinet Shakeup
  OUT Tommy Thompson, Secretary of Health and Human Services -- Will likely switch cabinet postions, as he can no longer hide the fact that he's both unhealthy and inhuman