Crazy Apple Rumors

Here's a new site to add to the list: Crazy Apple Rumors. Don't worry, it's not really another Apple rumor site; it's a parody of same. To wit:

• Hackers Crack Apple Movie Rental Scheme.
  While refusing to confirm that movie rentals were in fact coming to the iTunes Music Store, an exasperated Steve Jobs chastised the hackers.
  
  "You’re the reason we can’t have nice things!" Jobs said, angrily pointing in the general direction of Finland.
  
  "You know, I go to a lot of trouble to make something nice for you and you just try to get more. I would love to deliver you a magical movie download service where you could burn all the copies for your friends you want and edit out the stupid endings - like in The Abyss - and put in your own way cool endings - like with a car chase and a nude scene with Salma Hayek - but it just... isn’t... possible."
  
  
• Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.
  
  Q: My iMac recently had a hard drive crash and I’ve been trying to get my data back. I went to the Apple Store the other day to talk to the Genius and I got all this grief for not backing up. I’m trying to solve my existing problem and he’s all gettin’ up in my grill and…
  A: Oh, no, no, no. Dude. Dude. No one says "gettin’ up in my grill" anymore.
  Q: What? Oh. Really? I thought that was phat phresh.
  A: No. And neither is that.
  Q: Oh. OK, then, Hammertime, what are people saying when someone gets in their face?
  A: "That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush."
  Q: What?
  A: "That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush!"
  Q: You’ve gotta be kidding.
  A: No. See, when you’re at the Apple Store and the Genius is riding you for not backing up, you wait until he walks off and you turn to the customer next to you, roll your eyes and say - really loudly - "That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush!"
  A: Even if it’s a dude?
  A: Oh, especially if it’s a dude.
  Q: Well... I’m not saying that.
  A: Or, if he’s standing right in front of you, you yell as loudly as you can, "BITCH! You think you can use my toothbrush?!"
  Q: That doesn’t mean anything!
  A: Look, I don’t make these up. I’m just telling you that this is what the kids are saying.
  Q: The kids on crack maybe.
  A: Oh, dude, the kids aren’t doing crack anymore. They’re all freebasing Strontium 38.
  Q: ...
  A: ...
  Q: Do you have any idea what you’re talking about?
  A: Dude, don’t come whining to me because the kids are all calling you Chester because you’re not freebasing Strontium 38 and yelling "That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush!"
  
  
• CARS Editor Switches to Linux.
  
  Joining the increasing throngs of uber-geeks who have switched from the Mac OS to Linux, I regret to announce that I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer justify my use of Apple’s proprietary data formats.
  
  For too long Apple has attempted to lock its users in to its closed platform and closed applications.
  
  For this reason, I have reformatted my Performa 6400 and installed Yellow Dog Linux.
  
  ...I sought the professional help of a Linux geek in an online forum.
  
  Here’s how the conversation went:
  
  

  
  ME: I can’t seem to get the screen resolution right. I’m picking the exact monitor and video card I have from the list, but it gets all goofed up.
  
  LINUX GEEK: You need to add a video argument to BootX, such as "video=atyfb:vmode:17,cmode:24". Boot into Linux and run Xconfigurator and setup your video as desired. Then exit and run startx. It’s easy!
  
  ME: Uhhh... OK. Gosh, there are a lot of parameters in your argument there. Not to mention all the colons. Maybe you can walk me through that a bit. Mine’s a 15-inch monitor. Should I change the 17 to a 15? What does the rest of it mean?
  
  LINUX GEEK: Open your display.temp.config.pants file, set line 974 to "stun" and then reboot in gigantic robot mode.
  
  ME: "Gigantic robot mode"?
  
  LINUX GEEK: Just before the donkey appears, press command-option-shift-umlaut-fire and bark like a crazed hyena. Now dump your trash on your head and wave your genitals in the air in a circular motion with arms akimbo.
  
  ME: OK, now you’re just talking gibberish.
  
  LINUX GEEK: Aboogee agga! Muwasi matoombo! AI-AI-AI-AI-AI-AI-AI!
  

  
  Well.