Onion Vol. 41 #50

Or at least I guess that's what the volume and number of today's Onion would be. It doesn't show either, so maybe they're ditching the premise of a weekly issue . Anyway, some funny stuff up now.

• Activist Judge Cancels Christmas
  Across America, the decision of the all-powerful liberal courts was met with shock and disappointment, as American families quietly took down their holiday decorations and canceled their plans to gather and make merry.
  
  
• New Video Game Designed To Have No Influence On Kids' Behavior
  To avoid any appearance of suggestive or adult situations, the graphics consist entirely of rectangular polygons rendered in shades of brown against a simulated gray cinderblock wall. The game is free-roaming inside the warehouse environment, meaning that no goals are set for stacking a certain number of boxes, nor is there a time limit for the stacking. The health-level bar remains at a constant peak, and the first-person perspective avoids the problem of players identifying too closely with the main character, whose name is never specified and to whom nothing actually happens.
  
  
• Dope Just Galumphing Where Life Takes Him
  "Sometimes Jeff will come by, hang out for a bit," said friend Dan Werner, who graduated from high school with Koegle in 1989. "We'll maybe watch hockey or go get a bite to eat if one of us is hungry. After a while, he'll say, 'Well, guess I ought to get going,' and he'll take off."