Onion Vol. 41 #49

Get yer ice cold Onion here!

• Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom
  "I do know that Mr. Bush was unfamiliar with a phone-based intercom, and I suppose it is possible that Dick took advantage of that."
  
  
• Alcoholic Kindergarten Teacher Stretches Naptime To Three Hours
  "Let's get those nap pads out, kids," Rigby said in what her students described as "an extra-hushy indoor voice."
  
  
• Goldfish Can't Stand Bowlmate
  "Never moves. Just eats and craps and does that annoying thing with his mouth. Unless I want to go in the castle. Then, bam! Sally's right there hogging the whole thing."