Onion - Dec. 21

I'm none too happy about the Onion not publishing volume and issue numbers. Where do they get off, is what I'd like to know. On the plus side, this week's is another good one!

• Rove Implicated In Santa Identity Leak
  The identity of the mythical holiday gift-giver, previously known only in grown-up circles, was published in the popular Timbertoes cartoon in the December issue of Highlights For Children. Jean Abrams, a conservative firebrand known to have close ties to Bush appointees in the Department of Education, revealed "Santa" to be a code name for anonymous parental gift-giving.
  
  
• U.S. Troops Draw Up Own Exit Strategy
  In a striking rebuke of the assertions of the Pentagon and the White House that a swift exit is neither practical nor possible, soldiers of varying rank have outlined a straightforward plan of immediate disengagement, dubbed "Operation Screw This."
  
  
• CIA Chief Admits To Torture After Six-Hour Beating, Electrocution
  "I did it. We did it. We all did it. The president knew. The president did it. Please, God, please stop," said a voice identified as Goss' on recordings produced by CIA auditors. "Stop, please stop. I'm sorry. I won't do it again. The president won't do it again. Please let me die."
  
  
• American Voices: Michael Schiavo Starts PAC
  
  • "Nice to see that a Schiavo is being persistent about something other than their vegetative state."
    
  • "Like we need another organization looking out for the little guy. Thanks, but no thanks."
    
  • "It's going to be an uphill battle, but if there's anyone used to seeing little to no progress, it's Michael Schiavo."