Feb. 1 Onion

A nice fresh Onion, just for you.

• President Creates Cabinet-Level Position To Coordinate Scandals
  The Scandal Secretary will log all wiretaps and complaints of prisoner abuse, coordinate paid-propaganda efforts, eliminate redundant payoffs and bribes, oversee the appointment of unqualified political donors to head watchdog agencies, control all leaks and other high-level security breaches, and oversee the disappearance of Iraq reconstruction funds. He will also be responsible for issuing all official denials that laws have been broken.
  
  "Many of the current scandals in Washington are crucial to the success of my priorities for the nation," Bush said. "The Department of Corruption will safeguard these important misdeeds."
  
  
• Black Box Records Last 90 Minutes Of Hot-Air Balloon Crash
  "I hate to imagine their ordeal," Fayetteville Police Chief Dwight Gibson said. "Suspended dozens of feet off the ground, at the mercy of the wind, the good part of an afternoon spent not knowing where or when you'll come to a somewhat bumpy stop."
  
  
• American Voices
  On the Hamas Victory:
  
  • "I'm confident Hamas will embrace peace once it destroys Israel."
    
  • "Well, so much for my spring-break plans."
    
  • "You heard it here first—I predict we are going to see many years of violence and unrest in the Middle East."
  
  On Google refusing to turn over their records to the Justice Department:
  
  • "The government has no business knowing that I keep forgetting my utility company's Web address."
    
  • "Those are some ballsy multi-billionaires."
    
  • "Man, the government is gonna feel dumb when they see my search for 'the+government+sucks+dick.'"