Onion Vol. 41 Issue 21

Better late than never? No. This week's Onion.

• Thousands Dead In Wake of Low-Carbon Diet
  "Although Wesley dieters can ingest limitless hydrogen, oxygen, and nitrogen, deriving nutrients only from gases is not viable in the long term."
  
  
• Investigators Blame Stupidity In Area Death
  "I mean, we're not saying alcohol, fatigue, poor vehicle maintenance, and driver error didn't play their parts—but mainly, that driver was a goddamn dipshit."
  
  
• Having-One-Beer Plan Goes Awry
  Two hours and an unforeseen buyback later, the early-to-bed plan Flemming had established at the beginning of the evening was in serious jeopardy.