Onion vol. 41 #18

Not the greatest Onion this week.

• Arizona Man Steals Bush's Identity, Vetoes Bill, Meets With Mexican President
  Confusion and disbelief reigned at the White House after President Bush announced Monday that an Arizona man, known to authorities only as H4xX0r1337, stole his identity and used it to buy electronic goods, veto a bill, and meet with Mexican President Vicente Fox.
  
  
• Rapidly Swelling Man May Contain Traces Of Peanuts
  "Warning: The dark-haired businessman who very suddenly began experiencing shortness of breath, confusion, and slurred speech may contain trace amounts of peanuts," Kiser said.
  
  
• Replacement Socialite Cunt Sought For Simple Life Cast
  "Any million-dollar Bambi with a vast inheritance and no ambition will do, though gutter-sluts with coke-fueled pasts will be given special consideration."