Onion vol. 41 #17

Onion day already? You know it.

• Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students' Chances Of Getting Laid Abroad
  "Instead of being inundated with questions about Hollywood and requests to help hot young foreigners practice their English, Americans are being openly scorned in European pubs and cafes. Data taken from a poll of students in December 2004 showed that only a dismal 11 percent had achieved sexual congress with a non-American."
  
  
• Guess What—It's Tom DeLay's Frisbee Now
  No, I'm not going to "toss it back," and don't call me "dude." Very important people are trying to legislate in here. No, you come on. I warned you, but you had to push it. Now you face the consequences.
  
  
• Uneventful Past Finally Catches Up To Boring Man
  "But after listening to Ken and Louis reminisce about our summer-long cribbage tournament and the time we took a chartered tour bus to the Badlands—well, I realized that I can run from my boring past, but I can never truly hide."