Onion vol. 40 #48

It's Wednesday, which means it's Onion day.

• Iraq Adopts Terror Alert System
  Should the terror risk level rise to Code Orange-Yellow, it is likely that hostages will be left alive only long enough to dig their own graves.
  
  
• Fighting Insomnia
  • Use your bed for sleeping only. Conduct all reading, eating, phone calls, and sexual relations on the kitchen table.
    
  • Try counting sheep, rather than the number of times you've failed as a wife and mother.
    
  • If you got less than three hours of sleep the previous night, it's important to inform everyone you meet of that fact all day long.
  
  
• The Onion In History, Nov. 27, 1979
  
  • Sadat, Begin Celebrate Peace Treaty with All-Night Coke Orgy at Studio 54
    
  • Carter Offers Ayatollah 'Helpful Energy-Saving Tips' in Exchange for Hostages