Onion: Rove Resigns To Shadows

Rove Resigns To Spend More Time In Shadows

Rove, who planned to return at the stroke of midnight Aug. 31 to the mysterious underworld from which he emerged two decades ago to do the bidding of masters unknown, claimed he never felt comfortable operating within the visible light spectrum.

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"I am excited to give this new chapter of my life the shadowy obfuscation it deserves," Rove said. "There are some matters that should just be kept private, far from the prying gaze of mortal eyes and wicked Sun."