Mar. 1 Onion

Better late than never: this week's Onion

• Rotation Of Earth Plunges Entire North American Continent Into Darkness
  Bilkins urged citizens to remain calm, explaining that the Earth's rotation is "utterly beyond human control."
  
  "The only thing a sensible person can do is wait it out," she said.
  
  Commerce has been brought to a virtual standstill, with citizens electing either to remain home with loved ones or gather in dimly lit restaurants and bars.
  
  
• Modern-Day John Henry Dies Trying To Out-Spreadsheet Excel 11.0
  Sources say Peters, who was born to poor temp workers in eastern Virginia, would often go to offices where his mother worked and sit on her knee. According to his family, he once took up her pencil and said, "Pencil be the death of me. Oh, Mommy, this pencil be the death of me."
  
  
• Infograph: Nick Lachey's Divorce Conditions
  
  • Right to visit "Nick & Jessica" fan sites Wednesdays, Saturdays and every other Christmas
    
  • Gets to keep Simpson's virginity
    
  • Anytime Simpson's version of "These Boots Were Made For Walking" comes on car radio, Nick can legally commit vehicular manslaughter